When you feel like a failure..

There is nothing quite like having a miscarriage. I never thought it would happen to me, so when it did, it was like the earth is ripped out beneath you while being sucker punched in the gut at the same time.

Forming the right words seems impossible. It’s just sadness. And when the pain hits you when you have to “give birth” to the formation in your uterus, it is utterly excruciating. It took me a good week to stop the random crying – and I am not usually a crier. Then telling people, and their look of sympathy, I know they mean well, but that just hurts more.

But why waste time? If you can then have a normal period and try again, let’s do it!! So that’s what we did. This time, everything was perfect. Medications in place and on time, no physical activity, no bad food, everything must be perfect and I am going to make this baby happen!

Then you get your first blood test back after the second IVF process, and your HcG levels are less than .10. You’re not pregnant. Failed, again.

It’s really hard to try and keep a positive mind, when you are young (32), your pre-blood test show you are in great health, you’re a good person, but this just isn’t happening. You read articles on other women who have tried and tried again, women who tell you not to give up, it will happen – but how do you get past this feeling? How do you remain positive when the pain and sadness of failing each time is so intense? You try to not even think of  the money that is going into this. Is it a waste?

You have no choice but to keep going. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. I don’t know if that is true. But you have to keep going.


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