When you feel like a failure..

There is nothing quite like having a miscarriage. I never thought it would happen to me, so when it did, it was like the earth is ripped out beneath you while being sucker punched in the gut at the same time.

Forming the right words seems impossible. It’s just sadness. And when the pain hits you when you have to “give birth” to the formation in your uterus, it is utterly excruciating. It took me a good week to stop the random crying – and I am not usually a crier. Then telling people, and their look of sympathy, I know they mean well, but that just hurts more.

But why waste time? If you can then have a normal period and try again, let’s do it!! So that’s what we did. This time, everything was perfect. Medications in place and on time, no physical activity, no bad food, everything must be perfect and I am going to make this baby happen!

Then you get your first blood test back after the second IVF process, and your HcG levels are less than .10. You’re not pregnant. Failed, again.

It’s really hard to try and keep a positive mind, when you are young (32), your pre-blood test show you are in great health, you’re a good person, but this just isn’t happening. You read articles on other women who have tried and tried again, women who tell you not to give up, it will happen – but how do you get past this feeling? How do you remain positive when the pain and sadness of failing each time is so intense? You try to not even think of  the money that is going into this. Is it a waste?

You have no choice but to keep going. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. I don’t know if that is true. But you have to keep going.

The Medication

Welcome to the world of drug use.

Elonva 150IU …………………………………………………………………….……. Dosage: one single injection. Menopur 1200 IU……………………..………………………………. Dosage: several injections of 225 IU. Orgalutran 0.25mg ……….……….………………………. Dosage: one daily injection during 5 days.
Decapeptyl 0.1mg……………………………………………. Dosage: one daily injection during 7 days. Azythromycin 500mg …………….……….…………… Dosage: one daily intake during three days.
Progynova 2mg……………………….…Dosage: three daily pills during a min period of 4 weeks.
Aspirin 75mg ………………………………………… …………………………. Dosage: one daily pill, 3 mths.
Cyclogest 400mg …………….………. Dosage: 400mg/12 hours, during a min period of 3 weeks. Folic Acid 5mg …………….……………………….…………………………… Dosage: one daily pill, 3 mths.
Prostap 3.75mg…..………………………………………………………………… Dosage: one single injection.

The above list may or may not look like a lot to you. But keep in mind, some of the above comes in several boxes. Unfortunately we didn’t take a photo of all of it together, and I wish I had, just for entertainments sake.

The medication mat differ from person to person, but this is the gist of it. And it all starts with one large Decapeptyl needle, an intra-muscluar injection, straight into the buttocks. Even thought we had to do this at home – and enlist the help of a friend because my partner didn’t have the heart to stick me with it – this was the exciting moment that it all began. We didn’t realise how many needles my partner, the one growing the eggs, had to start injecting about a week later. 2 injections in the stomach daily for what seemed like forever. Towards the egg extractions, it becomes 3 needles and her tummy was already sore and slightly bruised from the amount of pokes she had already been enduring. I guess this is where I had the easy side – folic acid and aspirin each night and an estrogen patch on my behind. No worries.

After the procedure, the pessaries and continuation of the folic acid, aspirin and patch become second nature, although having to insert the pessaries every morning and night is a little… let’s just say I can’t wait until I can stop. These are important for the progesterone, so I know I shouldn’t complain. It’s not as bad as needles every day.

If you have the fear of needles – this whole thing is going to be a nightmare for you. But there are plenty of youtube videos of people who have gone through it and show you how easy it is. Just take a deep breath. And be prepared for the amount of medication, it will look daunting at first, but you get through it.

 

What a pain in the…

So you have had the IVF and suddenly you have sharp, aching pains down your legs? Oh, that’s so sweet, the progesterone and relaxin in your body is making things stretch and make room for the body….

Are. You. Kidding. Me.

This is so painful – and I really hope that other women don’t suffer it as badly as this. But if you do, you can say goodbye to a full nights sleep and hello to night roaming. What makes this even more insufferable, is the inability to just swallow pain killers or muscle relaxants. Oh no no, those labels clearly say not to take if you are or could be pregnant. So deal with it you must! If you need support during this 2am pacing, you can google the hell out of it to see the words of sympathy and solutions from others who have been in your place. Spoiler alert: There is none. Just the “Yes, that happens. Good luck!”

But do not fear! It doesn’t last. 2 and half days and the pain has gone…. straight to my hips. And now I think I preferred the leg pain. Sitting, standing, lying, walking – none of these are comfortable. The amount of acrobatical formations I attempted during my sleep last night, all led to failure in a pain free position. The good news, is that with some heat packs and a little massage from your partner, you can trick your mind into thinking the pain is becoming more subtle, and you can fall asleep from the sheer exhaustion of it all, and get a few good hours shut eye. Hallelujah!

If the legs took 2 and a half days, then I am hoping the hips take the same amount of time… Then surely the worst – until labour – is over…

IVF – What they don’t tell you

So you have done your research and made your decisions and you are ready to start your IVF process.. or maybe you are still looking for a few answers that you just can’t find on the internet?

If you’re still worried, here are some things that aren’t on the websites, the little details they don’t tell you, the worst of the worst… which is actually not that bad. If you’re getting a mini you out of it, then it’s all worth it. Here are those first “joys of motherhood” from your IVF treatment:

1. IVF IUI ICSI ET. What? You don’t know what all of those abbreviations stand for? That’s ok, I still don’t. All the terminology is daunting and can be confusing, especially when the doctor starts throwing it all at you and not noticing your look of sheer perplexity. We sought treatment in a foreign country and had a translator in each appointment too, so that was extra fun. Don’t worry too much about it, as long as you understand what your treatment is, and what you and your partner (if you have one), need to do – then that’s all that matters. Ask your doctor again and again if you don’t understand, that is what they are paid for and no question is a dumb one.
2. The medications. My partner and I went through a treatment called ROPA – this is basically plumping her up so she creates lots of lovely eggs (follicles) for the Doctor to harvest. We then get some donated love in a cup and fertilise. From here, we wait until day 5, when a nice strong Embryo has formed and plant it in my nicely medically prepared endometrium for the harvest. I will go into more detail about the amount of medications in another blog – but it is a lot, and if you don’t like needles, you soon will.
3. The Needles. I know I briefly mentioned this above, but seriously. If you have a fear of medications, it’s time to face that fear! You don’t really have a choice. It starts with the blood tests, and moves on to the medication needles.
4. The follicle growing. This wasn’t me, it was my partner, but I saw her pain. These little things grow with this medication, and grow they do!! By the end of the treatment, she was looking at about 13 follicles in each ovary, all around 1.7 – 2cm’s. If you go and buy a bag of grapes, put 13 in each hand (if you can), and then imagine squishing them into your ovaries and carrying them around. I don’t imagine there is a lot of space there, and the bloating, possible cramping and discomfort couldn’t be a pleasant thing. Then again, I will be carrying a whole human inside me so…
5. The extraction. This is a small procedure, but my partner did have to go under anesthetic. It can be scary if you wake up alone, so hopefully your partner or someone is there – but you’re literally out for about 15 minutes. It takes much longer to wake up and you may have some cramps for the next few days. 5 days later, if you’re not having the eggs replanted in you, you will be right as rain.
6. The implanting. My turn. This happens either 3 or 5 days after the fertilisation. A quick valium for relaxing and into the theatre. With legs wide open and that wonderful contraption that opens you up (clearly not invented by a woman), your embryo is squished into the wall of your endometrium. This can be a little painful, but not overbearingly so. And it’s over in about 5 minutes.
7. Leg Pain. I am at day 4 after the transfer and my goodness. The leg pain. I have googled a million times over, but apparently this horrendously painful muscle / nerve / hell fire pain is normal for a lot of women at this stage. I put it down to the body suddenly realising there is an embryo and it hasn’t gone through it’s own normal procedure, so it’s trying to catch up throwing hormones and estrogen everywhere. Let’s not forget that you will still be on medication a this point, so there is estrogen coming at you from all angles.

If none of this has put you off, then you are ready to grow those babies!